The best adventure yet

I cannot believe it was two weeks ago we were leaving for Taipei! And that it was just one week ago that we arrived back in the US. Before too much time passes, I wanted to write an update from our trip to Taiwan. I am still processing that overwhelming and amazing week, but since being home I can be (and don't want to be) anywhere but exactly in the present, so I thought it best to update while I still remember! I plan to do a separate update about Calvin's transition home.

There are many things we were hoping to do and see in Taiwan that we did not, but I honestly do not regret it. We would have loved to sightsee more, to experience the culture, food and arts. But this trip was one hundred percent about our son and that meant everything else was optional. We did take a day to explore Taipei- going to the Taipei 101, going through a grocery store, and checking out the night market. Taipei was such an easy city to navigate with everyone being so incredibly helpful and most signs being in English as well as Mandarin. Taxis, the subway, city buses and covered walkways made getting around no problem.

I had heard about families getting a small gift for their child for each birthday, and I was determined to accomplish this! It took some time and creativity, but between the night market, super markets and even the airport souvenir shop we were able to collect 17 gifts- one for each year until Calvin turns 18. Another thing we did was write little notes on any ticket/map/receipt we had- where we were and what we were thinking about on the train to pick him up, the airplane home, etc. We are hoping that these little mementos will be treasured reminders of the best trip we've ever taken.

Zoom ahead to the day, the most important day of our lives so far. As we got ready in the morning, making sure everything in the hotel room was set up just perfect and our bags had absolutely everything a toddler could need, I simultaneously felt nervous and a sense of comforting peace. After a subway ride, a two hour high speed train ride, and a crazy taxi ride we arrived at St. Lucy Center.

The next few hours were an emotional roller coaster which are difficult to describe but I wouldn't change for anything. I will never forget the moment of looking out the window and seeing our boy walking toward the room we were in. We spent time at the center's playroom, giving our son time to warm up to us. There was a lot going on, and it was overwhelming for everyone. There were people in and out, questions being asked, tears, and lots of smiles and laughter. Once we had lunch at the nursery and got some pictures with the staff, it seemed time for us to go. Sitting inside the taxi outside of his home for the last two years, Calvin looked at his caregivers and waved goodbye and blew kisses. My heart broke into a million pieces for him. It was the hardest moment I've ever experienced. And then he leaned against my shoulder and fell asleep, and in the same moment I knew we were all meant to be together. It's why we named this blog what we did- we knew that once he was in our arms we were all home.

The rest of the day continued similarly; experiencing intense grief for our unknowing son while at the same time experiencing more joy than I thought possible. Any time I felt a wave of grief, Calvin would look at me and smile and say "hi!", or hold Nate's hand, or hug us. His comfort, trust, joy, love... I knew right then that throughout this excruciating wait to be together, God had been preparing him to be with his family. There was no way for us to not be joyfully in the moment when our strong, brave son was!

I am still in awe of how amazing those first few days together in Taiwan were. How Calvin immediately became attached to Nate and Nate to him. How quickly he could express his needs to us, how patient he was with all of the travel, how easily he slept and ate and played. How perfectly perfect we all fit together.

Now that we are home, we continue to see our sweet and spunky boy grow and thrive more and more each day. He continues to gain comfort and trust in his new surroundings, and take up more space in our hearts each day- if that's even possible. I will be sure to update this blog in the near future with more about our time since getting home, including Wesley as a big brother, playing outside, stinker stories and much more!

Thank you all so much for the huge ways you have shown our family support. It means the world to us.

First Day in Taiwan

So we are here! We arrived late last night, after a very long day of travel. All of our flights were fine, but smaller than I remember international seats being. We kept thinking, soon we will be doing this with Calvin in our laps!

My head is in so many different places, but I remember reading through adoption blogs and so often when they got to the much anticipated travel part of the adoption the posts would stop. I wanted to try to capture this moment to remember and look back on.

The last few weeks have been an incredible whirlwind. Our emotions have ranged from disbelief, to nervousness, to sheer anticipation, to panic- but always so so much joy. We had so much to get ready and it seemed overwhelming, but we were amazed at how everything came together. There were so many unexpected blessings that happened in those weeks to help us feel completely prepared for this next step in our lives.

The night before we were leaving was one of the longest nights ever! It was the most surreal feeling; actually being at the moment I had prayed for and thought about nearly every day for many years. I did not get much sleep, my stomach was doing somersaults and my mind spinning. But for as crazy and intense as I felt, I made sure to relish in the feeling because I wanted to enjoy every step of this journey.

Now we have the entire day ahead of us before we go get Calvin tomorrow morning. Today is Taiwan's National Double Day, which is their fourth of July. Even though it was early and rainy, we woke up to music playing outside the Taipei 101, which is directly across from our hotel. We plan to get some breakfast and do some exploring. We can't wait to see more of this beautiful country, but tomorrow is the day we really can't wait for!

Forward Momentum

Wow, it finally feels like things are starting to move! Ever since we sent our dossier to Taiwan, there has been a great forward momentum on the adoption process. After some excruciating waiting periods, any movement feels wonderful. But the steps that we have taken lately have been even better because we can see how much closer we are.

First, Calvin's nursery in Taiwan turned around their report to send to court much quicker than expected. Then, we were notified about a court date only 10 days after submitting the paperwork to court. Court is scheduled for July 7th in Taiwan. We aren't completely sure what the court hearing looks like but we believe it will be the director of his nursery, his birth mother, the judge and all of the needed paperwork to review. The judge will review the paperwork and eventually (possibly that day but most likely weeks later) will make a ruling for the adoption.  Following court we will receive a first decree, then a final decree. Upon receiving the final decree, we will begin planning our trip to Taiwan. The timeframe is still very open ended, however it could be possible that Calvin will be home before his second birthday, on November 12th!

As if all of this wasn't encouraging enough, in addition we have been sending him care packages and skyping each month. We have our third skype in two days! These moments fill us with so much joy and strength.

After so much waiting and talking about someday, we are allowing ourselves to begin to prepare for someday soon. Every legal document I see that has Calvin's name next to ours gives me butterflies. When his nannies refer to us as mommy and daddy my heart is so full. Even the court appointment makes me thrilled that advocates are going to stand up in front of a judge and state that this adoption is in our son's best interest. It's starting to get real, and we are thankful for every step forward we take!

Mother's Day this Year

So this time last year was a little tough. I guess I didn't realize all the expectations and emotions I had and Mother's Day brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. In my heart I truly felt like a mom. We knew nothing of our little boy; we had no "match" or were even close to finding out about him. But I still had the feeling that I was a mom and my child existed, even far away from me. Of course I didn't (and still don't) have the same daily sacrifices, joys, challenges and moments that most mothers have with their children. But the core of a mother-child bond existed in my heart. (And unbeknown to me my son was there, nearly 6 months old). Mother's Day last year was hard because I could not reconcile how I felt (a mom) with how I was seen (not yet a mom).

One unique thing about adding to your family through adoption is that you mentally, physically, and spiritually prepare to be a mother in the same way others do. You read books, attend classes, set up a nursery, organize your home, pray for your child, daydream about him or her. But the stages are so different, and it's unclear when you are technically able to take on the title of mom. Is it when you see your child's picture for the first time? When the orphanage approves you? When you meet your child for the first time? Legally of course it's not until the adoption is finalized. 

For a while I compared the process to that of being pregnant, with the understanding that both experiences have immense differences and that I cannot understand what the pregnancy experience is like. But I would explain to others that the paperwork, home study and waiting process was comparable to trying to conceive- which took us close to three years. Then, receiving your child's information is like being pregnant. However, you aren't sure how long you'll be pregnant for... and you can drink as much wine as you'd like! Finally, when you travel to meet your child is like the birth experience. Lately though, I've realized that's not completely true. I am not like a mom waiting for her unborn child to come into the world, my child is far away and I miss him every day.

This year, Mother's Day feels entirely different. Not only do I just feel like a mom, I also know who my son is. I have pictures and videos of him. I can tell you about his favorite foods and toys. I am getting to know him and he is getting to know me. I am learning about how to be the best mom I can be, and I am advocating for him however I can. That's not to say my role is the same as other moms- those who are caring for their children around the clock, putting their child before themselves, wiping sticky hands and changing dirty diapers. I am amazed by those moms and am so grateful to have a long list of women who are my mom role models. I'm excited to join you all! However this year I am at peace with the role I have and love that the mother-child bond I have in my heart continues to grow each day. 

Nǐ Hǎo Bǎobǎo!

A few weeks ago we received an exciting email from our adoption agency, with the information for a video chat with our little boy! I was so excited I could hardly stand it, but we had a week to wait and prepare. We were trying to be both thoughtfully equipped for the meeting while also keeping our expectations in check. Anyone who has ever tried to video chat with a toddler understands how discombobulated the experience can be! We knew he may be entirely disinterested, be in tears, try to press the big red button and hang up, be shy, or any combination of those things. On top of that we were worried about the internet connection, the language barrier, and how much time we would be given.

That Thursday, at 8:30pm our time (9:30am in Taiwan) we waited by the computer with stuffed animals, puppets, photos, Mandarin phrases, and music makers ready to go. The minutes ticked by so slowly, I don't think I've ever been that nervous in my life. As soon as the call came in and we saw our adorable little boy we were all smiles.

He was clearly upset and the caregivers were doing what they could to comfort him with food and toys. I was surprised by how young he looked, he was such a squishy little baby! One thing that surprised us was that a translator was there to answer questions we had and give us information about him. They told us he was crying because he wanted to be outside and had never been in that playroom before. He had big sloppy tears down his face and I wanted so badly to reach across and touch his face (and actually tried to one time!). As his caregiver held him, standing and rocking, he started to calm down and began to take interest in Nate and I. We were able to get his attention with some finger puppets and he watched us curiously.

He would begin to cry again and they would wipe his nose, soothe him, and offer him more food. They gave us tips on what comforts him such as being held, having a snack and going outside. We held up a picture of him and again he became interested. The video chat went on like this for a while and then at one point they sat on the floor to play with him. I suppose he decided he was done (they told us he can be very stubborn, which we love about him!) and stood up and walked to the door to head outside. We were so surprised; we assumed he was walking but since we didn't know for sure it was amazing to see him so fast and stable on his feet in front of us.

I think it took us at least a day to process the meeting. We couldn't believe we had actually just been able to see and interact with our son in real time. That we could watch his expressions, hear his cry, and tell him we love him. Even being able to tell his caregivers how thankful we are for them meant the world to us.

Before the video chat we were worried that we would be disappointed by our expectations. We couldn't have been more wrong. Even though he didn't smile and wave at us, call us mom and dad, or any other idealistic response you could image... it was perfect. One of the biggest struggles I've had over the past many months is worrying about missing out on the moments; not being there for his first real food, or first steps, or belly laughs. But that night was filled with firsts. The first time he hiccuped with us (and it was adorable), the first time we looked at each other, the first time he walked in front of us.

I think this screen shot of us seeing him walk for the first time captures it so well.

There is so much joy, so many moments ahead. 

And we are so excited to experience them all together.

Good News on a Rainy Day

Sometimes the best news comes when it's a dreary day, you're feeling sick and are in the middle of the grocery store buying orange juice. And then everything looks beautiful.

We spent nearly three years in the adoption process before getting a much anticipated referral (child match) and these past five months have been slower, more frustrating and challenging than the previous three years. Everyone told us it was a whole new deal once you have your child's information and they were so right. Since we have known about our little guy, we have been waiting for our approval. It sounds like a simple step but it has proven to be the most trying in this process yet. I won't go into detail about the challenges this time has brought, but for any adoptive parents I would strongly suggest reaching out to family, friends and others who can relate. Be open about your fears and struggles because we are not meant to go through those alone.

Last week we got the news we had been waiting for, or so we thought. We were approved, however they also needed to get his birth mother's approval. This was an unexpected step we had not been anticipating, which of course filled us with all sorts of questions and fears. We had no idea how and when that would happen, but were left to continue to wait. That leads us to today. Today we found out that our little guy's birth mother also approved! Not only is this great news because it means we are that much closer to bringing him home, but also because of the unexpected peace that came with having her voice in this process. It was something we were not anticipating, but gives me so much confidence and appreciation that the woman who gave birth to him and his caregivers who have loved him all approve of us as his adoptive parents. From the day we saw him we believed he belonged in our family, and to have many voices of affirmation means the world to us.

The next steps are undoubtedly going to bring their own sets of challenges, but I feel strengthened by today's milestone to stay strong for whatever is ahead. We will be submitting our dossier to Taiwan, and then wait for them to schedule a court date. We may or may not have to be present at the court hearing. After the judges ruling, and a couple of months, final decree will be given when we are able to travel to bring him home. We cannot wait!

Until then, we are so ready to skype with him and send care packages. I hope these small moments help to build a strong foundation for our relationship. We have so many pictures and videos that we love to look at, and thought now is a good time to share them with any readers. So here is the little one who brings us so much joy already.

We are going to name him Calvin (which we later on found out means bald!) 

 

We are so excited to get to know this little guy!

It always takes longer than you think...

After going through some ups and downs, set back and steps forward over the past three years, one would think that I would have learned to expect the delays. Especially because I've always lived with a "hope for the best, expect the worst" attitude. (Some, like my husband, would call that being a pessimist. I prefer 'realist'.) But for some reason in regards to the adoption I continue to think overly optimistic, hoping and believing that perhaps things will continue on schedule or even move faster than anticipated. And then it's so disappointing when it inevitably takes longer than you think. And it always takes longer than you think.

We really believed we would be going into the new year with our pre-approval/child contract from Taiwan. Unfortunately we are still waiting on that and can only guess what the hold up is. While I can't get enough of looking at our little guy's pictures and thinking about him, it always is hard to do so because I wonder about what he is doing today, how he is growing and how long will it be before we get to be together. It's difficult because I do believe and trust in God's timing, but struggle with the seemingly pointlessness of a child and his parents being so far apart.

So moving forward my plan is to stay busy, trying to fill each day with worthwhile moments; relishing in time outside with the preschoolers, creating things, talking to friends, playing games, spending time with Nate, walking the dog. And to keep this challenging phase in perspective. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18