It has already been a year since we jumped into the adoption process! The conversation Nate and I had as we were in the car on one of our many drives to and from Michigan is very vivid in my memory. I am not a very patient person at all... once I get an idea in my head I do everything I can to bring it to fruition. This stubbornness has led me to many great life experiences that a more cautious me may not have had, but I'm also thankful that Nate balances my determination with thoughtfulness. Nate had known since our dating years that adoption was a hope of mine, but I knew that it was not a decision that I could rush or persuade him into. Surprisingly, I was able to tuck it away as a future dream and be patient. That made me all the more excited and confident when Nate shared, on that long drive through the nothingness of Indiana, that he thought the time was right for us to begin the process.
The greatest lesson I have learned/am continuing to learn is balance. From the beginning we had to find a balance between our expectations and reality. As we began to research, we quickly realized our expectations for the timeline, our eligibility, our options and the expenses were very different from what we imagined.
I also learned about the delicate balance surrounding the topic of adoption. It's such a complex topic with a complexity of relationships amongst several people. Some adoption stories are beautiful and heartwarming and others are filled with pain and confusion. It's not an area one can barge into with arrogance, but must be delicately approached with reverence and a lot of listening. I had to find a balance between recognizing the wounds surrounding adoption, but moving forward with a hope for reconciliation and healing.
I've also had to attempt to find a balance within this odd state of feeling like an expecting mother and feeling so far from motherhood. I had to hold back from buying a cute outfit in every size and both genders, but settle on bulking up my collection of children's books. Nate and I have found balance in making sure we aren't constantly talking about when the baby comes, but from time to time indulge in playing the parenting game (you know... "what would you do if our kid was acting like that?"). For the time being I'm content in socking away notes and knowledge I gain to use for someday. However, I can't deny the protective maternal feelings that continue to grow about our future child. Luckily Wesley the dog has no problem temporarily filling in as role of the baby.
Finally, I've had to balance patience with eagerness. My mind wavers between 'someday' and 'any day'. I feel as though I've found a healthy balance... I am living and enjoying each day and the special moments that make up the day. Nate and I are conscience to give thanks for all that we have and truly appreciate the people who are in our lives. But I do allow myself to get butterflies in my stomach thinking about the day we get a phone call with a match... in my mind playing the video of getting to meet our child for the first time... all of the firsts we will get to experience as a family.
Here's to a new year, filled with the possibility of both celebrations and struggles, and here's to taking it all in stride and being content along the way!
