Sometimes it breaks my heart

*I first wrote this as a private blog, not planning to publish it. It'd be great to only have positive thoughts to share throughout this journey but I owe it to any readers and myself to be honest and open. I have found great comfort from other adoptive bloggers who have been raw and candid. This post is not meant to judge or offend, but to be real about things I wrestle with.*


My dreams aren't typically analysis worthy; they are usually slightly odd, humorous and incoherent blips strung together. This morning however I woke up trying to understand my dream:

I was sleeping (in my dream) and woke up. I was very pregnant. The room was dark and no one was around. I felt weird, unprepared and nervous. It felt like I was going to be going into labor, but I wasn't sure and wanted someone to tell me what to do. I went out into the kitchen and found Nate and my sister mixing crazy concoctions in the kitchen, then sampling them (ok, this part is not surprising). I told them I didn't know what to do. They didn't seem to notice I was there or pay any attention. I went back into my bedroom and texted my mom but she didn't answer. Then I googled "how do I know if I am going into labor" and fell back asleep. When I woke up, I wasn't pregnant.

I may be way off in my understanding of what the dream means- it probably just means that I ate too much pizza the night before or something unimportant. But this morning I found myself thinking about the dream more, specifically thinking about how I was feeling unprepared and alone in the dream.

I have been thinking a lot about the system of adoption, and not just the wonderful stories. Our agency sent us pictures of waiting list children this week. These are children who are identified as having developmental, physical, emotional issues, or a difficult family background therefore making it more difficult for them to placed. This photo listing was sent to many US agencies, which then forwarded it on to many adoptive families like us. They go a little bit into the child's story, about why they are available for adoption. For one young boy, his story began "Because of a difficult financial situation, Cody's birthmother is looking for a forever home for her sweet boy." It broke my heart. There are so many reasons that children become orphans, placed for adoption, fostered, etc. and none of the reasons are without loss and are for us to judge. There were children in the photo listing whose parents were in jail, were mentally unstable, were abusive... But for a financial situation to be the determining factor is heartbreaking. And maybe there is much more to this story that we don't know, but the reality is that for many birthparents this is the determining factor.

I couldn't help but think about the thousands of dollars adoptive parents are putting toward their future adoptions. I couldn't help but wonder what dollar amount this birthmother would have needed to stay with and support her son. Has an agency in Taiwan searched for options for this mother?  Have any agencies in the US tried to do the same?

I know this is not the warm and fuzzy side of adoption that we like to think about but we have to. We cannot be ok with some adoptive parents getting to parent a child simply because they have the money that the birthmother does not. That because of the financial stability we were born into, the education we received, the job opportunities we were given that we are more qualified to be this child's parent. We cannot be for adoption if we are not also for providing assistance for families to remain together. God does not call us to only care for the orphan, but also the widow. This verse has been going through my head for weeks:

[Isaiah 1:17- Learn to do right; seek justice. Encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.]

I thank God for organizations like Both Hands, that support both the orphan and the widow. I thank God that some agencies seek to partner with and support birthmothers, such as the nursery where our child will be. St. Lucy's Center's mission is to serve unwed mothers, helping them with education, job training and counseling. I also thank God that widespread corruption within international adoption is being addressed and regulations are being put in place in an effort to protect children.

So back to my dream. It led me to thinking about our future child's birthmother, a woman I think about often. Wondering where she is right now, what she is going through. If she is feeling those feelings I felt in my dream. Praying that she is surrounded by family and friends showing love and support, and hoping that she has access to what she needs in order to make the best choice she can for her and her child.

Adoption is a joy and blessing that comes out of a loss, and I think we can all reconcile this. There are children in need of a loving family and there are adoptive parents eager to provide that love. This is a beautiful thing. Adoption, in my opinion, is an amazing and necessary response to loss that already exists but it cannot be the first and only response. I hope that this journey we are on not only leads us to our child but also leads us to respond to these needs in other ways as well.

- Lindsey

Learning from the best

So currently we are sitting here in the 'wait and be patient' chapter of this journey. I keep reminding myself that this waiting period is so easy compared to the next waiting period- when we have a referral and are waiting for the approval to travel. I know when we find out the name and face of our child it will feel like everything is moving in slow motion and we won't be able to get to him or her soon enough.


As I wait I've had a lot of time to think and lately I continue to think about the amazing examples of mothers I have in my life. Because of my work, I am surrounded by and get to partner with mothers on a daily basis. I have the privilege of sharing in some of their parenting joys, being there through some of the struggles, and watching the love they have for their children. Of course I've also learned an extraordinary amount from my own mom too. I have gained so much from these moms; knowing them and how they parent gives me tremendous confidence for my future role.

I've learned from the mom who...
kept her child home because they needed some one-on-one time but also...
left her child at school on the first day because she had confidence in her child
lingered by the window to watch that her child found a friend
allowed her child to play outdoors independently
said "I'm sorry" to her child
drove all the way back to school to meet her child at the goodbye window
watched her child put on the same dance show over and over again
waited ten minutes because her child wanted to put their shoes on independently
carefully carried a mess of glue and paper and beads and paint out the door because it was a treasured artwork
took a car ride to that specific road so her child could ride the "fun hills"
spoke up when her child needed someone in their court
supported other moms when they needed someone in their court
stacked the deck to ensure her child's success when the situation warranted but also...
allowed her child to experience failures when the situation warranted
reminded her child, as often as possible, that she loved them

I'm so looking forward to joining this exemplary group of moms and continuing to learn alongside them, supporting one another.