It has been close to two years since we brought Calvin home. A lot has happened in those two years. Most importantly, we've gotten to know and celebrate the sweet, thoughtful and sassy boy we've been blessed to parent. We have searched for and moved into our first family home. We have become a foster family and welcomed our first placements of a strong young mom and her precious newborn baby. I have become re-involved in my school, and decided to go back to work full time in the fall with Calvin in my classroom.
Needless to say, throughout all of the changes we have had ups and downs and continue to learn tons. I decided to try blogging again as it helps me to have a broader perspective of our parenting journey; to see the learning opportunities and to remind myself that, just like children, we do not grow linearly. We have highs and lows, seasons of thriving and of just surviving.
Over the last month our house has had some significant changes with the addition of our foster kiddos. Understandably, Calvin has shown some of the most significant growing pains through the transition. I often recall the thoughts and advice I would give parents as a preschool teacher. Sometimes I laugh at my naivety and other times I try to channel that perspective again. As a parent you find yourself doing things you said you would never do. As a parent who is also a teacher, your theory and pedagogy crash with some moments of realistic, messy parenting.
The difference between seeing a child (or their behavior) as a preschool teacher and seeing them as a parent is the emotional pull. Heart rules over head. The emotional attachment is like a parent's kryptonite. It blinds you, weakens you, can even wreck you. With complete honesty, I've felt some of my lowest lows as a parent recently. I have found myself grasping at straws to change or control some of Calvin's behaviors. I have tried things that would have certainly helped with some of my preschoolers. I have even tried a few different systems (Yes, this Reggio teacher put a reward system in place. I'm telling you, things you said you'd never do....). Systems certainly have a time and a place. I have used some that perpetuate the drama and negative behaviors (for both Calvin and I), and others that have given him a visual of positive encouragement. Ultimately though, I realized I have been searching for something to fulfill my need to feel order and control in this tough parenting gig. And feelings, growth, life changes... those things cannot be systemized. There aren't clothespins, or cars, or stickers for really tough days where you mess up so many times you want the day to just be over. There's no reward that can come close to conveying the grace we need every single day.
And so I'm thankful that each day is a new day.
That my little boy with big feelings can have hard days, and I can too.
That the emotional pull that keeps me from parenting objectively also keeps me deeply in tune with the heart of my son.
I'm thankful that I have faith in a God who is in control, so I don't have to be. That He gives us grace each day, as we learn and grow and sometimes make a mess in the process.
