Mother's Day this Year

So this time last year was a little tough. I guess I didn't realize all the expectations and emotions I had and Mother's Day brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. In my heart I truly felt like a mom. We knew nothing of our little boy; we had no "match" or were even close to finding out about him. But I still had the feeling that I was a mom and my child existed, even far away from me. Of course I didn't (and still don't) have the same daily sacrifices, joys, challenges and moments that most mothers have with their children. But the core of a mother-child bond existed in my heart. (And unbeknown to me my son was there, nearly 6 months old). Mother's Day last year was hard because I could not reconcile how I felt (a mom) with how I was seen (not yet a mom).

One unique thing about adding to your family through adoption is that you mentally, physically, and spiritually prepare to be a mother in the same way others do. You read books, attend classes, set up a nursery, organize your home, pray for your child, daydream about him or her. But the stages are so different, and it's unclear when you are technically able to take on the title of mom. Is it when you see your child's picture for the first time? When the orphanage approves you? When you meet your child for the first time? Legally of course it's not until the adoption is finalized. 

For a while I compared the process to that of being pregnant, with the understanding that both experiences have immense differences and that I cannot understand what the pregnancy experience is like. But I would explain to others that the paperwork, home study and waiting process was comparable to trying to conceive- which took us close to three years. Then, receiving your child's information is like being pregnant. However, you aren't sure how long you'll be pregnant for... and you can drink as much wine as you'd like! Finally, when you travel to meet your child is like the birth experience. Lately though, I've realized that's not completely true. I am not like a mom waiting for her unborn child to come into the world, my child is far away and I miss him every day.

This year, Mother's Day feels entirely different. Not only do I just feel like a mom, I also know who my son is. I have pictures and videos of him. I can tell you about his favorite foods and toys. I am getting to know him and he is getting to know me. I am learning about how to be the best mom I can be, and I am advocating for him however I can. That's not to say my role is the same as other moms- those who are caring for their children around the clock, putting their child before themselves, wiping sticky hands and changing dirty diapers. I am amazed by those moms and am so grateful to have a long list of women who are my mom role models. I'm excited to join you all! However this year I am at peace with the role I have and love that the mother-child bond I have in my heart continues to grow each day. 

Nǐ Hǎo Bǎobǎo!

A few weeks ago we received an exciting email from our adoption agency, with the information for a video chat with our little boy! I was so excited I could hardly stand it, but we had a week to wait and prepare. We were trying to be both thoughtfully equipped for the meeting while also keeping our expectations in check. Anyone who has ever tried to video chat with a toddler understands how discombobulated the experience can be! We knew he may be entirely disinterested, be in tears, try to press the big red button and hang up, be shy, or any combination of those things. On top of that we were worried about the internet connection, the language barrier, and how much time we would be given.

That Thursday, at 8:30pm our time (9:30am in Taiwan) we waited by the computer with stuffed animals, puppets, photos, Mandarin phrases, and music makers ready to go. The minutes ticked by so slowly, I don't think I've ever been that nervous in my life. As soon as the call came in and we saw our adorable little boy we were all smiles.

He was clearly upset and the caregivers were doing what they could to comfort him with food and toys. I was surprised by how young he looked, he was such a squishy little baby! One thing that surprised us was that a translator was there to answer questions we had and give us information about him. They told us he was crying because he wanted to be outside and had never been in that playroom before. He had big sloppy tears down his face and I wanted so badly to reach across and touch his face (and actually tried to one time!). As his caregiver held him, standing and rocking, he started to calm down and began to take interest in Nate and I. We were able to get his attention with some finger puppets and he watched us curiously.

He would begin to cry again and they would wipe his nose, soothe him, and offer him more food. They gave us tips on what comforts him such as being held, having a snack and going outside. We held up a picture of him and again he became interested. The video chat went on like this for a while and then at one point they sat on the floor to play with him. I suppose he decided he was done (they told us he can be very stubborn, which we love about him!) and stood up and walked to the door to head outside. We were so surprised; we assumed he was walking but since we didn't know for sure it was amazing to see him so fast and stable on his feet in front of us.

I think it took us at least a day to process the meeting. We couldn't believe we had actually just been able to see and interact with our son in real time. That we could watch his expressions, hear his cry, and tell him we love him. Even being able to tell his caregivers how thankful we are for them meant the world to us.

Before the video chat we were worried that we would be disappointed by our expectations. We couldn't have been more wrong. Even though he didn't smile and wave at us, call us mom and dad, or any other idealistic response you could image... it was perfect. One of the biggest struggles I've had over the past many months is worrying about missing out on the moments; not being there for his first real food, or first steps, or belly laughs. But that night was filled with firsts. The first time he hiccuped with us (and it was adorable), the first time we looked at each other, the first time he walked in front of us.

I think this screen shot of us seeing him walk for the first time captures it so well.

There is so much joy, so many moments ahead. 

And we are so excited to experience them all together.