Mother's Day this Year

So this time last year was a little tough. I guess I didn't realize all the expectations and emotions I had and Mother's Day brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. In my heart I truly felt like a mom. We knew nothing of our little boy; we had no "match" or were even close to finding out about him. But I still had the feeling that I was a mom and my child existed, even far away from me. Of course I didn't (and still don't) have the same daily sacrifices, joys, challenges and moments that most mothers have with their children. But the core of a mother-child bond existed in my heart. (And unbeknown to me my son was there, nearly 6 months old). Mother's Day last year was hard because I could not reconcile how I felt (a mom) with how I was seen (not yet a mom).

One unique thing about adding to your family through adoption is that you mentally, physically, and spiritually prepare to be a mother in the same way others do. You read books, attend classes, set up a nursery, organize your home, pray for your child, daydream about him or her. But the stages are so different, and it's unclear when you are technically able to take on the title of mom. Is it when you see your child's picture for the first time? When the orphanage approves you? When you meet your child for the first time? Legally of course it's not until the adoption is finalized. 

For a while I compared the process to that of being pregnant, with the understanding that both experiences have immense differences and that I cannot understand what the pregnancy experience is like. But I would explain to others that the paperwork, home study and waiting process was comparable to trying to conceive- which took us close to three years. Then, receiving your child's information is like being pregnant. However, you aren't sure how long you'll be pregnant for... and you can drink as much wine as you'd like! Finally, when you travel to meet your child is like the birth experience. Lately though, I've realized that's not completely true. I am not like a mom waiting for her unborn child to come into the world, my child is far away and I miss him every day.

This year, Mother's Day feels entirely different. Not only do I just feel like a mom, I also know who my son is. I have pictures and videos of him. I can tell you about his favorite foods and toys. I am getting to know him and he is getting to know me. I am learning about how to be the best mom I can be, and I am advocating for him however I can. That's not to say my role is the same as other moms- those who are caring for their children around the clock, putting their child before themselves, wiping sticky hands and changing dirty diapers. I am amazed by those moms and am so grateful to have a long list of women who are my mom role models. I'm excited to join you all! However this year I am at peace with the role I have and love that the mother-child bond I have in my heart continues to grow each day.