Detour

First of all, apologies for the lack of update in a while! During the month of March there was no update because we were running around checking off our boxes left and right. Things were actually going pretty well with the whole process and we started to get caught up in thinking that the harder we tried, the closer we would be. We completed our part of the home study, each doing interviews and then having our home evaluated. We did our required hours of training, which was valuable beyond expectations. Our final visit with our psychologist was complete. The FBI fingerprints that usually take 3 months to arrive came after just 3 weeks. We created a photo book to send to our future child (who most likely isn't even born yet). We had friends and family support us significantly through kind words, prayers, donations and recommendation letters. Basically, we were feeling pretty good.

And then, last week, we received an update about the adoption process in Colombia. To preface the information that we received, we weren't naive that this whole journey would be quick or easy. Maybe we were a little naive in thinking that if we worked tirelessly, put in as much effort as possible, and tried to make ourselves the best future parents a kid could want then we would be ahead. But adoption doesn't work that way, and sometimes as much heart and emotion as you put into it, you are still just a number on a list. The news we received from our agency was that Colombia is in the process of going through their accreditation and therefore they are reshaping their country's adoption process. What this translates to for us is basically longer (and growing still) wait times as well as increased difficulty in being accepted by the ICBF.

The letter hit us hard. It made us face our unspoken hopes and brought to the surface the emotional pain we were already experiencing from an extended wait period. In our minds we had just accepted the fact that it could be as long as 4 years, even though our hearts still ached from this thought. But to extend that to possibly 6 years, possibly more... we couldn't do it. Add to that the fact that families were being scrutinized closer than ever by the ICBF and that we were still months away from submitting our application to Colombia.

The difficult thing about adoption is it's so front loaded. I don't mean just the paperwork and finances, because those things certainly put a stress on you from the get go, but emotionally as well. When we decided to jump into this, we had to jump feet first and blindfolded. We had to prove to everyone, our doctors, the psychologist, the Colombian officials, social workers and the FBI that we were qualified adoptive parents. In the process we opened up our hearts and allowed ourselves to be completely vulnerable. We were passionate, excited, somewhat educated... ready. Any parent out there can relate to this feeling of being so overwhelmed with love and joy for an expected child but with a complete loss of control.

Nate and I came to a point where we had to be completely honest about how sustainable this emotion was for us. We realized, as much as we loved the Colombia program, the country, the children, the culture, we couldn't do it. That was especially hard for me to admit. Often having the unspoken mentality that if you work hard enough anything is possible, I have been reminded this week that we have faith in a God that has complete and total control.

We currently don't have an exact plan for moving forward. International adoption is still where our hearts are and we are certainly not ready to give up on that. Being solution oriented, I have had to wisely listen to the many caring friends and family around us telling us to pause and be still. It's an unusual grief, one that we had never anticipated feeling, but we need to allow ourselves to heal from this loss. I wish I could say that we can clearly see God's plan through all of this and that gives us comfort, but that wouldn't be true. It hurts, and for now I think it's ok that we are hurting and confused.

One thing that's been very clear in the last week is what supportive and wonderful friends and family we have. I'm so thankful for the thoughts, prayers, hugs, comfort coffee, phone calls, inquiries, chocolate... we have amazing people in our lives.

In the next couple of weeks we plan to continue having conversations with our placing agency, trying to figure out if there is a country program out there meant for us and where to go next. We will keep everyone in the loop as things transpire, but never feel like you're invading by asking questions.

Until next time,

Lindsey