Mother's Day this Year

So this time last year was a little tough. I guess I didn't realize all the expectations and emotions I had and Mother's Day brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. In my heart I truly felt like a mom. We knew nothing of our little boy; we had no "match" or were even close to finding out about him. But I still had the feeling that I was a mom and my child existed, even far away from me. Of course I didn't (and still don't) have the same daily sacrifices, joys, challenges and moments that most mothers have with their children. But the core of a mother-child bond existed in my heart. (And unbeknown to me my son was there, nearly 6 months old). Mother's Day last year was hard because I could not reconcile how I felt (a mom) with how I was seen (not yet a mom).

One unique thing about adding to your family through adoption is that you mentally, physically, and spiritually prepare to be a mother in the same way others do. You read books, attend classes, set up a nursery, organize your home, pray for your child, daydream about him or her. But the stages are so different, and it's unclear when you are technically able to take on the title of mom. Is it when you see your child's picture for the first time? When the orphanage approves you? When you meet your child for the first time? Legally of course it's not until the adoption is finalized. 

For a while I compared the process to that of being pregnant, with the understanding that both experiences have immense differences and that I cannot understand what the pregnancy experience is like. But I would explain to others that the paperwork, home study and waiting process was comparable to trying to conceive- which took us close to three years. Then, receiving your child's information is like being pregnant. However, you aren't sure how long you'll be pregnant for... and you can drink as much wine as you'd like! Finally, when you travel to meet your child is like the birth experience. Lately though, I've realized that's not completely true. I am not like a mom waiting for her unborn child to come into the world, my child is far away and I miss him every day.

This year, Mother's Day feels entirely different. Not only do I just feel like a mom, I also know who my son is. I have pictures and videos of him. I can tell you about his favorite foods and toys. I am getting to know him and he is getting to know me. I am learning about how to be the best mom I can be, and I am advocating for him however I can. That's not to say my role is the same as other moms- those who are caring for their children around the clock, putting their child before themselves, wiping sticky hands and changing dirty diapers. I am amazed by those moms and am so grateful to have a long list of women who are my mom role models. I'm excited to join you all! However this year I am at peace with the role I have and love that the mother-child bond I have in my heart continues to grow each day. 

Nǐ Hǎo Bǎobǎo!

A few weeks ago we received an exciting email from our adoption agency, with the information for a video chat with our little boy! I was so excited I could hardly stand it, but we had a week to wait and prepare. We were trying to be both thoughtfully equipped for the meeting while also keeping our expectations in check. Anyone who has ever tried to video chat with a toddler understands how discombobulated the experience can be! We knew he may be entirely disinterested, be in tears, try to press the big red button and hang up, be shy, or any combination of those things. On top of that we were worried about the internet connection, the language barrier, and how much time we would be given.

That Thursday, at 8:30pm our time (9:30am in Taiwan) we waited by the computer with stuffed animals, puppets, photos, Mandarin phrases, and music makers ready to go. The minutes ticked by so slowly, I don't think I've ever been that nervous in my life. As soon as the call came in and we saw our adorable little boy we were all smiles.

He was clearly upset and the caregivers were doing what they could to comfort him with food and toys. I was surprised by how young he looked, he was such a squishy little baby! One thing that surprised us was that a translator was there to answer questions we had and give us information about him. They told us he was crying because he wanted to be outside and had never been in that playroom before. He had big sloppy tears down his face and I wanted so badly to reach across and touch his face (and actually tried to one time!). As his caregiver held him, standing and rocking, he started to calm down and began to take interest in Nate and I. We were able to get his attention with some finger puppets and he watched us curiously.

He would begin to cry again and they would wipe his nose, soothe him, and offer him more food. They gave us tips on what comforts him such as being held, having a snack and going outside. We held up a picture of him and again he became interested. The video chat went on like this for a while and then at one point they sat on the floor to play with him. I suppose he decided he was done (they told us he can be very stubborn, which we love about him!) and stood up and walked to the door to head outside. We were so surprised; we assumed he was walking but since we didn't know for sure it was amazing to see him so fast and stable on his feet in front of us.

I think it took us at least a day to process the meeting. We couldn't believe we had actually just been able to see and interact with our son in real time. That we could watch his expressions, hear his cry, and tell him we love him. Even being able to tell his caregivers how thankful we are for them meant the world to us.

Before the video chat we were worried that we would be disappointed by our expectations. We couldn't have been more wrong. Even though he didn't smile and wave at us, call us mom and dad, or any other idealistic response you could image... it was perfect. One of the biggest struggles I've had over the past many months is worrying about missing out on the moments; not being there for his first real food, or first steps, or belly laughs. But that night was filled with firsts. The first time he hiccuped with us (and it was adorable), the first time we looked at each other, the first time he walked in front of us.

I think this screen shot of us seeing him walk for the first time captures it so well.

There is so much joy, so many moments ahead. 

And we are so excited to experience them all together.

Good News on a Rainy Day

Sometimes the best news comes when it's a dreary day, you're feeling sick and are in the middle of the grocery store buying orange juice. And then everything looks beautiful.

We spent nearly three years in the adoption process before getting a much anticipated referral (child match) and these past five months have been slower, more frustrating and challenging than the previous three years. Everyone told us it was a whole new deal once you have your child's information and they were so right. Since we have known about our little guy, we have been waiting for our approval. It sounds like a simple step but it has proven to be the most trying in this process yet. I won't go into detail about the challenges this time has brought, but for any adoptive parents I would strongly suggest reaching out to family, friends and others who can relate. Be open about your fears and struggles because we are not meant to go through those alone.

Last week we got the news we had been waiting for, or so we thought. We were approved, however they also needed to get his birth mother's approval. This was an unexpected step we had not been anticipating, which of course filled us with all sorts of questions and fears. We had no idea how and when that would happen, but were left to continue to wait. That leads us to today. Today we found out that our little guy's birth mother also approved! Not only is this great news because it means we are that much closer to bringing him home, but also because of the unexpected peace that came with having her voice in this process. It was something we were not anticipating, but gives me so much confidence and appreciation that the woman who gave birth to him and his caregivers who have loved him all approve of us as his adoptive parents. From the day we saw him we believed he belonged in our family, and to have many voices of affirmation means the world to us.

The next steps are undoubtedly going to bring their own sets of challenges, but I feel strengthened by today's milestone to stay strong for whatever is ahead. We will be submitting our dossier to Taiwan, and then wait for them to schedule a court date. We may or may not have to be present at the court hearing. After the judges ruling, and a couple of months, final decree will be given when we are able to travel to bring him home. We cannot wait!

Until then, we are so ready to skype with him and send care packages. I hope these small moments help to build a strong foundation for our relationship. We have so many pictures and videos that we love to look at, and thought now is a good time to share them with any readers. So here is the little one who brings us so much joy already.

We are going to name him Calvin (which we later on found out means bald!) 

 

We are so excited to get to know this little guy!

It always takes longer than you think...

After going through some ups and downs, set back and steps forward over the past three years, one would think that I would have learned to expect the delays. Especially because I've always lived with a "hope for the best, expect the worst" attitude. (Some, like my husband, would call that being a pessimist. I prefer 'realist'.) But for some reason in regards to the adoption I continue to think overly optimistic, hoping and believing that perhaps things will continue on schedule or even move faster than anticipated. And then it's so disappointing when it inevitably takes longer than you think. And it always takes longer than you think.

We really believed we would be going into the new year with our pre-approval/child contract from Taiwan. Unfortunately we are still waiting on that and can only guess what the hold up is. While I can't get enough of looking at our little guy's pictures and thinking about him, it always is hard to do so because I wonder about what he is doing today, how he is growing and how long will it be before we get to be together. It's difficult because I do believe and trust in God's timing, but struggle with the seemingly pointlessness of a child and his parents being so far apart.

So moving forward my plan is to stay busy, trying to fill each day with worthwhile moments; relishing in time outside with the preschoolers, creating things, talking to friends, playing games, spending time with Nate, walking the dog. And to keep this challenging phase in perspective. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Happy Birthday!

Today is our baby boy's first birthday! It's crazy to think that three months ago we didn't know him yet, and now we are wishing him a happy first birthday, wanting so badly to be spending it together.

It's completely selfish, but I am a little heartbroken today. When we started the process, we knew we wouldn't be with our child until after their first, maybe even second birthday. So the fact that we have pictures of him, are getting updates, and are able to celebrate him from miles away on this day is an unexpected joy and a blessing. But the selfish part of me wants to have that moment with him. It's not even that I have dreams of a big birthday party with lots of people and him eating cake. Really what I would want is to spend a simple, quiet day together exploring and playing. Just being able to say that we spent this special day together.

The logical side of it is that this is a birthday that he won't comprehend, and won't remember. If there's ever a birthday to not be able to spend together, it's this one. We will be together every birthday he has from now on, and we will make great memories on those days. There will also be many other days to be able to celebrate together. But my logical side hasn't been the loudest voice always, especially while I stare at those big eyes and pudgy little fingers!

We don't know what his caregivers in Taiwan are doing with him today, or how they acknowledge birthdays. What we do know is how much they love him and are caring for him. We can tell by the pictures of them playing together and the smiles, by the colorful nursery filled with toys, and the care they've taken in matching him with us. On this day he's happy, healthy and loved. And when it comes down to it, we couldn't ask for more.

Happy birthday sweet boy, we can't wait to spend all the rest of your birthdays with you!

Hearts Full of Hope

We've waited a long time to say this... IT'S A BOY!

A few weeks ago we got a phone call from our placing agency, THE phone call. We knew it right away, and there was an excitement and anticipation as we received his file. When we saw his picture we fell in love. And then we watched his videos and couldn't get enough. Just like that, in the course of a few hours, it felt like our hearts were in Taiwan.

Our little boy is 10 months old, and is in a nursery in Tainan, Taiwan. He is all cheeks and has a great smile. He seems healthy, happy, and is growing quickly. He likes rice, uses a pacifier, and wears xl diapers (we're a bit unsure of Taiwan's diaper sizing ha).

After seeing his picture Nate asked how we can get to him as soon as possible. I feel the same way! Of course there are steps to complete, paperwork, and waiting. The first step is to get the official pre-approval from St. Lucy's Center after reviewing our file. Then, we will work toward completing and translating our dossier. After that, we will wait for a court date. There is not set travel date at this point, but we are hoping to have a better idea as things progress. It is estimated that we will be able to travel in about 8 months. We will be doing anything we can to make this go as quickly as possible! In the meantime, we are thankful to be able to skype, get updates, and send packages.

We understand that, with everything in life, there are risks and we may encounter bumps. All things considered, we are moving forward with our hearts full of hope, eagerly anticipating the day we will get to hold our boy in our arms.

Reading through his story, looking back on our wait, we see God's fingerprints over it all.We wouldn't change anything, because it's brought us to this point. And we are so so happy being here.

Keeping Busy and Staying Patient

On day two of Thanksgiving break, I have made sure to make the most of the day by spending time outside, crafting, working, cooking and cleaning. After a hiatus, my Etsy shop is replenished with new items added! Please  feel free to take a minute and visit the shop: NaturalDiscovery

NaturalDiscovery

All of the sales go directly toward our adoption! 

While my crafting certainly won't cover the adoption, it feels good to do work with my hands that can help a little. We have reached a point where the costs are looking frightening, with our referral fee and travel expenses not too far on the horizon. At first, we were hopeful that we could independently cover the cost of the expenses. We diligently put aside as much of our paychecks as we could, and cut down our budget significantly. However as the costs added up, employment hiccups and fees were increased, we realized we could not do it entirely on our own. There were humbling and encouraging gifts from family and friends that blessed us at just the right moments. We continue to look into more ways to raise funds, cut back, and plan ahead. 

Now that it is the end of November, it is time to submit our I-600a, which is an application with U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services for adoptive parents. The process is pretty straightforward; some paperwork, copies of records, and a check. However we have heard of some glitches in the processing, so we are hopeful for a quick and smooth approval.

This step is exciting because while it absolutely means more waiting, it also means we are in the range of possibility! While we do not expect a referral soon, we are now in what was given to us as the estimated time frame for receiving a referral. This time frame stretches on for many months, but it gives us hope and fills us with excitement.

Being in a new phase of waiting, we've started to allow ourselves to plan. The other day I saw these adorable painted wooden stacking animals at a toy sale and couldn't resist. It was the first tangible thing I've purchased for our child. It felt like a big deal. It led me to many other 'nesting' desires. Unfortunately there are so many unknowns that there isn't a whole lot of preparing to be done right now. We don't know the age of our child- will they need a crib or toddler bed? We don't know their gender or size, so collecting clothing is out. We don't know how much Mandarin they know, and therefore how much we should learn. With all the unknowns this sweet little block set felt like a pretty safe decision to make.

Even with the questions we have and wait ahead of us, we are feeling SO excited and thankful for where we are. Looking back on this last year, we have so much to be thankful for. We have been shown many times that this is in God's hands and we just need to trust and give thanks.