Growing pains

It has been close to two years since we brought Calvin home. A lot has happened in those two years. Most importantly, we've gotten to know and celebrate the sweet, thoughtful and sassy boy we've been blessed to parent. We have searched for and moved into our first family home. We have become a foster family and welcomed our first placements of a strong young mom and her precious newborn baby. I have become re-involved in my school, and decided to go back to work full time in the fall with Calvin in my classroom. 

Needless to say, throughout all of the changes we have had ups and downs and continue to learn tons. I decided to try blogging again as it helps me to have a broader perspective of our parenting journey; to see the learning opportunities and to remind myself that, just like children, we do not grow linearly. We have highs and lows, seasons of thriving and of just surviving. 

Over the last month our house has had some significant changes with the addition of our foster kiddos. Understandably, Calvin has shown some of the most significant growing pains through the transition. I often recall the thoughts and advice I would give parents as a preschool teacher. Sometimes I laugh at my naivety and other times I try to channel that perspective again. As a parent you find yourself doing things you said you would never do. As a parent who is also a teacher, your theory and pedagogy crash with some moments of realistic, messy parenting. 

The difference between seeing a child (or their behavior) as a preschool teacher and seeing them as a parent is the emotional pull. Heart rules over head. The emotional attachment is like a parent's kryptonite. It blinds you, weakens you, can even wreck you. With complete honesty, I've felt some of my lowest lows as a parent recently. I have found myself grasping at straws to change or control some of Calvin's behaviors. I have tried things that would have certainly helped with some of my preschoolers. I have even tried a few different systems (Yes, this Reggio teacher put a reward system in place. I'm telling you, things you said you'd never do....). Systems certainly have a time and a place. I have used some that perpetuate the drama and negative behaviors (for both Calvin and I), and others that have given him a visual of positive encouragement. Ultimately though, I realized I have been searching for something to fulfill my need to feel order and control in this tough parenting gig. And feelings, growth, life changes... those things cannot be systemized. There aren't clothespins, or cars, or stickers for really tough days where you mess up so many times you want the day to just be over. There's no reward that can come close to conveying the grace we need every single day. 

And so I'm thankful that each day is a new day. 

That my little boy with big feelings can have hard days, and I can too. 

That the emotional pull that keeps me from parenting objectively also keeps me deeply in tune with the heart of my son. 

I'm thankful that I have faith in a God who is in control, so I don't have to be. That He gives us grace each day, as we learn and grow and sometimes make a mess in the process. 

"Never Once"

I really can't believe that it's been six incredible months, and sometimes still can't believe he's here with us. There were many hard nights, not so long ago, where I would look at Calvin's empty crib next to my bed with tears in my eyes. I've never wanted anything more in my life. Now there are nights that I watch our little guy sleeping in that same spot, also with tears in my eyes. I've never experienced joy and gratitude like this in my life. 

"Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful."

Never Once
Written by: Jason Ingram, Matt Redman, Tim Wanstall

Calvin's special photo album

One year ago, following some discouraging news about our travel timeline, we were able to send Calvin his first care package. This one included a shirt, stuffed dog (which he still sleeps with), and a photo album. As with all of the paperwork and packages we sent to Taiwan, a little bit of our hearts went with it.

The next time we Skyped him, we saw he was holding that photo album. In every Skype after he almost always was holding it in one hand. His caregivers told us it was his favorite thing. We were so thankful to his loving caregivers for using the photo album to teach him who mama and daddy are.

Now here we are, just about 5 months from the day we came home. Life has been filled with lots of patience, second-guessing, praying, trial and error, and comforting. In addition, it's been filled with lots of fun, silliness, learning, wonder, joy, play, love, and holding tight. We have already worked through (and are still working on) so many challenges. One that especially pulled at my heart was knowing how and when and in what way to leave Calvin with others. On one hand I believe so much in allowing your child to have his or her own experiences, and showing confidence in them as they take big steps. On the other hand, he has only known us as his parents for a little more than 15% of his life. We have an undeniably strong bond but it's still relatively new; most importantly we want to respect his attachment journey and emotions.

We are so thankful to have an understanding and supportive church community to partner with us during this time. The preschool teachers and leaders have been amazing. They have been understanding with Nate staying in the room until Calvin is ready for him to go, or calling us to come back as soon as he needs us. Each week, he's gotten more and more comfortable. Today he amazingly said goodbye to dad as soon as he went into the room!

When I picked him up, the preschool teacher told me they had a breakthrough. He started to cry after a little while and then began pointing to his backpack. They got it down for him, and he opened it up and found one of the random items he had packed in his bag (amongst seashells, snacks, water and bandaids)- his photo album. She said he opened it, found the page with us, and just like that he was fine.

My heart nearly burst. I was filled with thankfulness, for yet again our boy being surrounded by loving caregivers. I was also proud, for our smart guy who is able to use comforting tools to regulate his emotions. And I was reassured, that the necessary foundations of trust and attachment have been well developed.

This journey of adoption - or parenting - or life - can be so confusing and difficult. We are thankful for God placing the most amazing people in our family's life at just the right times. And for one of those rare unexpected moments where something in life comes so beautifully full circle.

The best adventure yet

I cannot believe it was two weeks ago we were leaving for Taipei! And that it was just one week ago that we arrived back in the US. Before too much time passes, I wanted to write an update from our trip to Taiwan. I am still processing that overwhelming and amazing week, but since being home I can be (and don't want to be) anywhere but exactly in the present, so I thought it best to update while I still remember! I plan to do a separate update about Calvin's transition home.

There are many things we were hoping to do and see in Taiwan that we did not, but I honestly do not regret it. We would have loved to sightsee more, to experience the culture, food and arts. But this trip was one hundred percent about our son and that meant everything else was optional. We did take a day to explore Taipei- going to the Taipei 101, going through a grocery store, and checking out the night market. Taipei was such an easy city to navigate with everyone being so incredibly helpful and most signs being in English as well as Mandarin. Taxis, the subway, city buses and covered walkways made getting around no problem.

I had heard about families getting a small gift for their child for each birthday, and I was determined to accomplish this! It took some time and creativity, but between the night market, super markets and even the airport souvenir shop we were able to collect 17 gifts- one for each year until Calvin turns 18. Another thing we did was write little notes on any ticket/map/receipt we had- where we were and what we were thinking about on the train to pick him up, the airplane home, etc. We are hoping that these little mementos will be treasured reminders of the best trip we've ever taken.

Zoom ahead to the day, the most important day of our lives so far. As we got ready in the morning, making sure everything in the hotel room was set up just perfect and our bags had absolutely everything a toddler could need, I simultaneously felt nervous and a sense of comforting peace. After a subway ride, a two hour high speed train ride, and a crazy taxi ride we arrived at St. Lucy Center.

The next few hours were an emotional roller coaster which are difficult to describe but I wouldn't change for anything. I will never forget the moment of looking out the window and seeing our boy walking toward the room we were in. We spent time at the center's playroom, giving our son time to warm up to us. There was a lot going on, and it was overwhelming for everyone. There were people in and out, questions being asked, tears, and lots of smiles and laughter. Once we had lunch at the nursery and got some pictures with the staff, it seemed time for us to go. Sitting inside the taxi outside of his home for the last two years, Calvin looked at his caregivers and waved goodbye and blew kisses. My heart broke into a million pieces for him. It was the hardest moment I've ever experienced. And then he leaned against my shoulder and fell asleep, and in the same moment I knew we were all meant to be together. It's why we named this blog what we did- we knew that once he was in our arms we were all home.

The rest of the day continued similarly; experiencing intense grief for our unknowing son while at the same time experiencing more joy than I thought possible. Any time I felt a wave of grief, Calvin would look at me and smile and say "hi!", or hold Nate's hand, or hug us. His comfort, trust, joy, love... I knew right then that throughout this excruciating wait to be together, God had been preparing him to be with his family. There was no way for us to not be joyfully in the moment when our strong, brave son was!

I am still in awe of how amazing those first few days together in Taiwan were. How Calvin immediately became attached to Nate and Nate to him. How quickly he could express his needs to us, how patient he was with all of the travel, how easily he slept and ate and played. How perfectly perfect we all fit together.

Now that we are home, we continue to see our sweet and spunky boy grow and thrive more and more each day. He continues to gain comfort and trust in his new surroundings, and take up more space in our hearts each day- if that's even possible. I will be sure to update this blog in the near future with more about our time since getting home, including Wesley as a big brother, playing outside, stinker stories and much more!

Thank you all so much for the huge ways you have shown our family support. It means the world to us.

First Day in Taiwan

So we are here! We arrived late last night, after a very long day of travel. All of our flights were fine, but smaller than I remember international seats being. We kept thinking, soon we will be doing this with Calvin in our laps!

My head is in so many different places, but I remember reading through adoption blogs and so often when they got to the much anticipated travel part of the adoption the posts would stop. I wanted to try to capture this moment to remember and look back on.

The last few weeks have been an incredible whirlwind. Our emotions have ranged from disbelief, to nervousness, to sheer anticipation, to panic- but always so so much joy. We had so much to get ready and it seemed overwhelming, but we were amazed at how everything came together. There were so many unexpected blessings that happened in those weeks to help us feel completely prepared for this next step in our lives.

The night before we were leaving was one of the longest nights ever! It was the most surreal feeling; actually being at the moment I had prayed for and thought about nearly every day for many years. I did not get much sleep, my stomach was doing somersaults and my mind spinning. But for as crazy and intense as I felt, I made sure to relish in the feeling because I wanted to enjoy every step of this journey.

Now we have the entire day ahead of us before we go get Calvin tomorrow morning. Today is Taiwan's National Double Day, which is their fourth of July. Even though it was early and rainy, we woke up to music playing outside the Taipei 101, which is directly across from our hotel. We plan to get some breakfast and do some exploring. We can't wait to see more of this beautiful country, but tomorrow is the day we really can't wait for!

Forward Momentum

Wow, it finally feels like things are starting to move! Ever since we sent our dossier to Taiwan, there has been a great forward momentum on the adoption process. After some excruciating waiting periods, any movement feels wonderful. But the steps that we have taken lately have been even better because we can see how much closer we are.

First, Calvin's nursery in Taiwan turned around their report to send to court much quicker than expected. Then, we were notified about a court date only 10 days after submitting the paperwork to court. Court is scheduled for July 7th in Taiwan. We aren't completely sure what the court hearing looks like but we believe it will be the director of his nursery, his birth mother, the judge and all of the needed paperwork to review. The judge will review the paperwork and eventually (possibly that day but most likely weeks later) will make a ruling for the adoption.  Following court we will receive a first decree, then a final decree. Upon receiving the final decree, we will begin planning our trip to Taiwan. The timeframe is still very open ended, however it could be possible that Calvin will be home before his second birthday, on November 12th!

As if all of this wasn't encouraging enough, in addition we have been sending him care packages and skyping each month. We have our third skype in two days! These moments fill us with so much joy and strength.

After so much waiting and talking about someday, we are allowing ourselves to begin to prepare for someday soon. Every legal document I see that has Calvin's name next to ours gives me butterflies. When his nannies refer to us as mommy and daddy my heart is so full. Even the court appointment makes me thrilled that advocates are going to stand up in front of a judge and state that this adoption is in our son's best interest. It's starting to get real, and we are thankful for every step forward we take!

Mother's Day this Year

So this time last year was a little tough. I guess I didn't realize all the expectations and emotions I had and Mother's Day brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. In my heart I truly felt like a mom. We knew nothing of our little boy; we had no "match" or were even close to finding out about him. But I still had the feeling that I was a mom and my child existed, even far away from me. Of course I didn't (and still don't) have the same daily sacrifices, joys, challenges and moments that most mothers have with their children. But the core of a mother-child bond existed in my heart. (And unbeknown to me my son was there, nearly 6 months old). Mother's Day last year was hard because I could not reconcile how I felt (a mom) with how I was seen (not yet a mom).

One unique thing about adding to your family through adoption is that you mentally, physically, and spiritually prepare to be a mother in the same way others do. You read books, attend classes, set up a nursery, organize your home, pray for your child, daydream about him or her. But the stages are so different, and it's unclear when you are technically able to take on the title of mom. Is it when you see your child's picture for the first time? When the orphanage approves you? When you meet your child for the first time? Legally of course it's not until the adoption is finalized. 

For a while I compared the process to that of being pregnant, with the understanding that both experiences have immense differences and that I cannot understand what the pregnancy experience is like. But I would explain to others that the paperwork, home study and waiting process was comparable to trying to conceive- which took us close to three years. Then, receiving your child's information is like being pregnant. However, you aren't sure how long you'll be pregnant for... and you can drink as much wine as you'd like! Finally, when you travel to meet your child is like the birth experience. Lately though, I've realized that's not completely true. I am not like a mom waiting for her unborn child to come into the world, my child is far away and I miss him every day.

This year, Mother's Day feels entirely different. Not only do I just feel like a mom, I also know who my son is. I have pictures and videos of him. I can tell you about his favorite foods and toys. I am getting to know him and he is getting to know me. I am learning about how to be the best mom I can be, and I am advocating for him however I can. That's not to say my role is the same as other moms- those who are caring for their children around the clock, putting their child before themselves, wiping sticky hands and changing dirty diapers. I am amazed by those moms and am so grateful to have a long list of women who are my mom role models. I'm excited to join you all! However this year I am at peace with the role I have and love that the mother-child bond I have in my heart continues to grow each day.